Pray:

“Father, this week is a gift from You.  May You be over and in all of it.  Amen.”

Read Ephesians 5:18.

 Ok, why are we starting this week by going back to a verse from last week?  The reason is that this verse is what frames the section on Paul’s instructions to Christian households.  The household codes were to be how we expressed being filled with the Spirit in our relationships with each other.  

When you dive into the Greek, it becomes apparent that the verb “be filled” is an action verb.  The verbs that follow, including the call for the church to “sing”, wives to “submit”, husbands to “love”, and children and slaves to “obey”.  All of these are infinitives that express our being filled with the Spirit.  They help us understand what it looks like when our lives and relationships are under the leadership of the Holy Spirit.  

The Holy Spirit is essential to our living an abundant and victorious life in Christ.  While the Reformation did many great things for the church, such as elevating the call for us to be made right before God by faith in Christ, it neglected to clarify what the life of faith looks like beyond initial belief.  It underemphasized the role of the Spirit to fill and lead the child of God into a new, glorious existence.  

We will spend this week and the next exploring how the Spirit can transform our relationships with one another, both in marriage and parenting.  One thing we will see is that the Spirit empowers us to live out the character and love of Christ in our relationships.  The Spirit compels us to serve those whom God has given us.  Like Jesus, we lay ourselves down as an expression of love.  We exercise humility rather than pride.  We honor and bless them.  

The Holy Spirit is a giver of life.  The Spirit fills us so that the life the Spirit gives overflows into every aspect of our lives.  This is especially true for our relationships.  

So, before we get into the specifics of what this looks like in marriage, would you consider the role the Spirit plays in your life right now?  Are you open to inviting the Spirit to fill you and lead you in new ways of being in relationship to those around you?  

Praying Together:

“Holy Spirit, fill us.  We need You to love well.  When we live out of our own strength, we quickly find the limits of our love.  We often retreat into being served rather than serving.  We look inward when we are called to look out.  Fill us.  We want You to produce in us love, joy, peace and goodness that we might carry it forward in our relationships.  Amen."

 

Pray:

“God, You spoke all that is into being.  Speak into our lives through Your Word.  Amen.”  

Read Ephesians 5:21.

I have a lot of books in my office.  In order to keep my books upright, I have bookends that prop the books up.  

Like the books in my office, the roles of marriage in verses 22-32 are bookended by verses 21 and 33.  They are key to understanding the roles.  Failure to acknowledge these can lead to a tragic misinterpretation of what Paul is saying.  

Verse 21 precedes Paul’s instructions for husbands and wives under the marriage covenant.  The verb “submit” means “to fall under”.  It was often used in military service of a soldier falling under the leadership of a senior officer.  

Paul sets the tone for the marriage covenant by reminding husbands and wives that they are to live in submission to Jesus.  Their submission to Jesus is one of the ways that we express our love and commitment to Him.  

Paul takes it a step further.  He says husbands and wives are to submit to each other as an expression of their love and submission to Jesus.  While many get stuck in the call for wives to submit, the marriage is to be marked by mutual submission to each other and to Christ.  This means we are to exercise humility toward each other and to consider their needs and interests above our own (Philippians 2).   

Paul is basing the idea of mutual submission as an expression of love on the relationship within the Trinity.  When you put the passages together that describe the posture of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit to the other, we get the picture of mutual admiration and submission.  Each exists to glorify and lift up the other.  This attitude leads to a beautiful reciprocal love that fills the relationship.  

In this, we see that submission to each other is how we reflect the Lord in the marriage covenant.  One of the most challenging and glorious calls in marriage is to reflect God’s love to each other.  While we will fall short of this time and time again, we must press forward in marriage with this as our aim.  As a husband or wife, you are a channel of God’s love to your spouse.  So let’s call on the Lord to help live into this wondrous responsibility.  

Praying Together:

“God, we need Your help to love our spouse in a way that reflects Your love.  Reveal to us and work in us that we can be a conduit for Your love.  We want to serve and bless them so that they see You in us.  Forgive our shortcomings, and free us to grow in love.  Amen.”

 

Pray:

“Father, Your Word is power for my life.  Amen.”  

Read Ephesians 5:22-24.

The first time I rode a horse, the guide put me on one of the more excitable horses.  The horse was edgy the moment I hopped aboard.  The first two minutes I was on him, the guide kept saying, “Easy.  Easy.  Easy.”  I can’t help but imagine that some women who are reading this need to hear me the same.  Easy, now.  it’s going to be ok.  

All joking aside, many are sensitive to this passage.  For some, they have a right to be because they have been on the receiving end of being out-right abused and misused.  Some see this as simply a propping up of patriarchy and therefore being a threat to women.  If you fall into one of these, take a deep breath and let’s look at what Paul is really saying.  

As we addressed yesterday, the word “submit” means to “fall under the order of” or “arrange under”.  The image Paul uses is that of the church’s response to Jesus.  Out of their love for Jesus, the church, or Jesus’ bride, welcomes His leadership.

Since I have likely done little to assuage any concerns one might have with this passage, let me state that the wives’ call to submit must be held in context to what Paul says is the role of the husband.  

In the first century, husbands were given all authority over their wives.  It was common for husbands to lord their authority over their spouses.  Paul’s call to husbands, however, was to use that authority to serve.  They were to lead their wives, not rule them.  They were to lead by being a servant to their wives, and wives were to support and respect their husbands.        

So one point to consider is what kind of leadership you are called to honor.  I would argue that it is easier to follow the leadership of one who serves you and looks to your best interests.  If a husband is faithful with his role, then he creates a safety net for his wife.  

Another point to consider is that the call to submit is not a command, but a voluntary choice.  It is something a wife chooses to do to bless her husband.  The Lord isn’t forcing you into submission to your husband any more than Jesus is forcing us into submission to Himself.  We choo,e to place ourselves under Jesus’ leadership because we trust that He is so very good.  In fact, the reason we trust Jesus is because He laid down His life in order to lift us up.  That’s why it is an honor for the church to love Jesus by respecting His leadership.  

Are you getting a better sense of what Paul is saying?  The call for wives to submit comes after a husband and wife have chosen to submit to Jesus and each other in mutual submission as an expression of their love for Jesus and each other.  The husband is to live out his mutual submission by leading as a servant to His wife, like Jesus was for His church, and the wife is to honor her husband by welcoming his leadership in their life together.    

Praying Together:

“Jesus, open our hearts to Your vision for marriage.  We want in every way to reflect You to each other.  May our love for You and love for our spouse inspire us to serve and bless as You have blessed us.  Amen.”

 

Pray:

“Father, speak into our lives this day, for we, Your servants, are listening.  Amen.”

Read Ephesians 5:25-27.

Now we turn our attention to Paul’s instructions for husbands.  Sorry, guys, but Paul has a lot more to say to husbands than wives.  

The charge to husbands is to love their wives as Jesus loves His church.  How much does Jesus love His church?  Well, He laid down His life for His church.  He gave it all to lift up His bride.  

This is the kind of leadership Paul has in mind.  A leader sets the tone for the relationship.  Husbands do not act as lord over their wives, which was how it was practiced in the Ephesian culture.  According to Paul, husbands lead their wives by being a servant.  Husbands go first in the call to serve their wives.  

Back to the image of Jesus and His church, we see that Jesus gave Himself in order to make His bride radiant and holy.  While that is a work only Jesus can do in us, there is a charge in here for husbands to provide spiritual leadership for their families.  They were to guide the family to walk with Jesus in their life together.  This isn’t to say that wives cannot provide spiritual leadership in the family.  They certainly have gifts to offer that are necessary for there to be spiritual harmony in the home.  I am saying that husbands are responsible to see that their family takes that first step--that we bring our family before the One who can make us good, holy, and radiant.  

I realize many husbands might feel ill-equipped for this work.  So where might one start to help provide spiritual leadership?  A good first step might be reading the WayPoint together.  This is an invitation to pray and read scripture together.  Resources like this are valuable in growing us together spiritually.  Make time to pray together.  Pray for each other.  Pray for your family.  Pray together for our church and our ministry to the world.  Commit to worship together if you aren’t already.  Seek opportunities to serve together.  Invite the Lord into your life together.  

Praying Together:

“Jesus, You are the model of servant leadership.  You used Your authority to serve and bless us.  Help husbands serve their wives as You served us.  Show them how to provide spiritual leadership that their families might thrive under Your care.  Amen.”   

Pray:  

“God, You are the greatest gift, and I am grateful for this time with You today.  Amen.”  

Read Ephesians 5:28-30.

If you know me, you will know that I don’t miss many meals.  When I’m hungry, I’m going to make sure that I eat soon.  Paul uses this instinct to care for our bodies to help husbands understand what it looks like to serve their wives.  

When our bodies have a need, we address it.  The needs of our bodies are easy to spot, and we meet them with a sense of urgency.  This is the attitude Paul wants husbands to take up when it comes to the needs of their wives.  Given the call to mutual submission in verse 21, it’s fair to say that the same sentiment should be shared by wives toward their husbands.  

Again, Paul’s example is Jesus and His church.  Jesus knew the needs of the church.  They needed to be saved, purified, and made holy.  He gave His life for His church that they might become all that He knew they could become.  This is why we are to serve and meet the needs of the other.  

Now if we are to be the kind of husbands and wives who want to meet the needs of the other, we must consider a few things.  The first is if we have the right motivation.  Are we ready and willing to meet the needs of our spouse as a way of showing our love for them?  Some of us have a list of wrongs that remain unforgiven that prevent us from serving them.  This must be resolved if you hope to move forward.  

The second thing we must consider is the needs of our spouse.  Do you know your spouse’s needs?  I ask because communication is a common weakness in many marriages.  We don’t know how to talk about our needs without being overly demanding or accusatory, or we just shut the other out altogether.  We learn the needs of our spouse by asking and listening.  Wives, this means you need to ask, likely several times before husbands will offer anything up.  Husbands, you need to be open with your wife.  And regarding her needs, you must listen.  Women want to be heard before they want you to fix it.  

My challenge to married couples is to sit down and have a conversation by asking the other, “What can I do to serve you?”  Don’t use this as an opportunity to drag old stuff up.  Let this be the start of new, life-giving practices that can revitalize your marriage.  

Praying Together:

“Lord, be at work in us as we seek to serve each other.  Give us the courage to be real and honest with our spouse.  Help us learn to communicate well.  Give us hearts to want to serve and bless each other.  May You do a great work in our efforts to live this out.  Amen.”

Pray:

“God, You are good.  Your faithful love endures forever!  Amen.”

Read Ephesians 5:31-32.

In verse 31, Paul goes all the way back to the first marriage in Genesis 2.  

After God created Adam, he was alone.  It was good for Adam to have someone to bless and to be blessed by, so God caused Adam to fall asleep and took a rib from his side to fashion Eve.  After looking over the animal kingdom for a companion, Eve was a breath of fresh air.  Adam was intrigued.  He saw that Eve was both like him and uniquely different than him.  

From these, we get the first marriage.  Their union forms the first human covenant, where two distinct individuals leave their life of singleness to take up a life together.  They lay down their right to think only of themselves and their needs in order to build a life together with their spouse.  This is what it means that the two became one.  

Two becoming one is the definition of covenant.  That image implies union at every level of our being.  It implies it physically in sexual intimacy, and spiritually in that our souls are bound to each other and in relationship in that we are building a life that is joined together in every way.  This is what makes up the unique union between a husband and wife.  

We can also see in this how covenant relationships can be threatened.  The covenant can be compromised when the oneness is abandoned, and we begin to function out of our own wants.  The covenant can be harmed when we begin to place our needs over that of our spouse.  The same is true when we stop having sex.  Sexual intimacy is a powerful and spiritual bond between a husband and wife. We chip away at oneness when we aren’t growing together spiritually.  Growing in Christ together is one of the deepest connections we can experience together.  

Covenant is about two people becoming one.  We must practice the things that nurture oneness.  We commit to covenant in a ceremony, but the connection of covenant oneness must be tended to regularly for marriages to thrive.  

Praying Together: 

“Lord, You did everything that we, Your church, might be made one with You.  Plant in husbands and wives the desire to seek oneness.  Help each take the step of nurturing the harmony that binds.  Amen.”

 

Pray:

“God, Your Word is a gift.  May it shape me into the image and character of Christ.  Amen.”

Read Ephesians 5:33.

Here is the other bookend to Paul’s instructions for husbands and wives.  If you made it all the way through the week, congratulations and thank you.  

This is a summary statement.  Paul wraps up the previous 11 verses by reminding husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands.  The question for us at the end of this week is this:  what does this look like in a marriage?  For those who are married, what might this look like in your marriage?

It looks like you loving your spouse by thinking of their needs before your own.  It looks like your stopping amidst the maelstrom of life to look them in the eye so that they are seen.  It looks like your carving time to talk--really talk--about what is going on in their lives.  It looks like your listening for how you might serve them.  It looks like your seeking ways to help shoulder burdens they might be trying to take on all by themselves.  It looks like your stepping out in faith to pray and read scripture together, if you aren’t already.  

It can look like many things, but above all, it means living with the mindset of “How can I serve you today?”  Imagine if husbands and wives both approached their marriage in that way.  

Praying Together:

“Jesus, be our help as we seek to live Your vision for our lives, especially in the marriage covenant.  Bless every effort husbands and wives will make to lift up and bless the other.  Amen.”